Three months after i found out i was pregnant i found out we were re;locating to Europe. We were going to relocate to Europe for my husband’s job, no. It didn’t mean I would become a kept woman! It meant that I would have my child in a different country and language without my family. It was an incredibly hard situation to be in; I knew no one and the care system for my child would be completely different. Not that i knew the care system in the UK this was my first child. I was so worried. At the same time my husband’s family all looked to me for the reason we were moving. It was like I was kidnapping a willing grown man. I wanted to have my baby in the UK, my husband wanted to move, his family blamed me for the move.
In my final trimester of pregnancy, I was horny as hell. Encouraging my fearful husband to lie down so that I could mount him. It was fine whilst in action, the problem would happen when we were done. I would be tired, and my hips would give way. My belly weight would crush my husband, he would be struggling like a woodlouse stuck on his back with limbs failing around. This would lead me to start laughing. Which meant i relax my belly, and he would then struggle for breath. Whilst he was taking laboured short breaths, i would laugh even more. It would take longer to un-connect than the actual act itself.
While I was pregnant, I was horny as hell, encouraging my fearful husband to lie down so that I could straddle on top of him. The problem would happen when we were done. I would be tired and my hips would give way; at this point, all my belly weight would crush my husband. I would then start laughing, and he would struggle for breath, which would only make me laugh more. It would take longer to dislodge ourselves than the actual act itself!
I decided to employ an English-speaking doula. I also joined a local english speaking prenatal yoga class; I learned a lot in these sessions. The best lesson that stays with me to this day, is that if your feet dangle while you are going for a bowel movement – stop. Get yourself a stool and put your feet flat on it; this will help you defecate without pushing and just breathing the shit out. I don’t know how many of you need to know, but your first bowel movement after giving birth can/will be the worst moment of the whole birth. It feels as though the very slight push will lead you to defecate all your organs.
After the birth, I tore and needed 2 stitches. I also had front row seats to hemorrhoids. After the birth, both of us had to stay in the hospital as we both had raised temperatures insinuating infection. I was allocated a room with another new mother. My labour lasted 72 hours. This other woman literally went out to dinner and a movie, felt uncomfortable so arrived at the hospital. When triaged it was discovered she was 7 cm dilated; she only took gas and air. The baby was born within an hour of arrival. I hated her birth story. Granted, I watched back-to-back Jackass for about 6 hours of labor, but I had felt every millimeter stretch.
Our babies were both in Intensive Care Unit (ICU). On the first night, apparently, I slept so soundly, oblivious to the sounds of hungry baby. Whoops! The nurses tried to do what they could to wake me. The resorted to feeding the baby formula (yes, I did freak out massively). My roommate said to me, “Oh, I have fed my child 4 times already. I recognize her cry.” I nodded and thought, I didn’t even recognize my own baby, let alone his cry. It took me months to recognize my child’s cry from other children. You know what, today he has turned 16 – so all’s well that ends well.
I am a curious girl. I always have been. If someone asks me to do or not do something i like to know why. This is very problematic as a child of immigrant parents, especially a daughter. And to be frank sometimes curiosity does kill the cat! I had my tonsils out when I was about 8. When i came too after surgery, i heard the consultant talking to my mum. He told my mum not to let me look in a mirror at my throat and to encourage me to to eat hard food. This was to get of the gunk in my throat. Well, there are two things here:
firstly, don’t tell me not to do something that is a surefire way to get me to do it.
and secondly do I want to swallow gunk? That doesn’t sound tasty.
and thirdly i needed to find a mirror!
So, as soon as my legs came around, I went to the bathroom. In the mirror i looked at the back of my throat. It literally looked like they had got a serrated ice cream cone and scooped out the back of my throat. There were stringy and bloody bits, red white and blue. It was at that moment I decided I wasn’t going to eat a thing. In fact, the only thing I would eat is food that would melt in my mouth. I survived on this diet for 4 days until they eventually they put me on a drip. What a dick! I must have worried my mum so much – I am sorry.
The reason I tell you this story is because like my tonsils i was curious about the state of my vagina. At night, i would have vivid nightmares with my birth and tonsil story getting mixed up. In the nightmares that my vagina would feature as Audrey II from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Audrey II is a human-eating plant that’s based on a real Venus flytrap. She has a mouth and develops tendril arms that she uses to grab her prey.
At night, in my nightmares ,my vagina used to come alive. He/she was angry, stringy, and bloody, singing, “feed me, feed me now Seymour.” It was hungry after expelling a baby and wanted to be fed. In one dream, my husband was in it, and Audrey II was singing whilst salivating at my husband’s penis. These dreams went on for weeks. I don’t like the name Aubrey II for my vagina, Amardeep is a more more gender- to honour my ancestors. Needless to say, I did not return to sex after having a baby with any kind of urgency. Although the nurse did give me a thumbs up after she finished sewing me up after the delivery. She cheerfully told me she had given an extra stitch for my future sexual pleasure. Thanks, I think!
An update about the extra vagina stitch. It did definitely make the entry more restrictive, but behind that revealed a surprising and expansive interior. My husband could basically perform the YMCA with his cock in my body.
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