There were so many warning lights, red flags, and sirens going off when I met my future (now current) mother-in-law. But I walked into the relationship blissfully naive. My logic was, she had a daughter about my age, so we’d all get along just fine. To be fair to her, she never really hid who she was. It just took me longer than it should have to realise that was going to be a problem. In hindsight, the red flags were flashing like landing lights on a runway. I was too distracted by the… in-flight entertainment (her son) to notice.
She started off slow and steady, dropping little comments—mostly about my appearance and my clothes. But she soon got into the swing of things. I made it easier for her. I don’t cook. I drink alcohol openly, I say what I think. Oh and I’m absolutely terrible at the Indian schmoozing. That made me the nontraditional type, not a trait my MIL was looking for in a DIL. She also knew her son and I were already fucking before the wedding. Courtesy of an empty condom wrapper she found in his bedtime shorts. Loose morals were added to my shame list. When he. was confronted by his parents he gave up my name, at this point i had never even met .
My mum eventually found out, I just told her I had to try before i buy. We had a laugh, and that was that. Of course, she only found out after the wedding and 1 kid—because I’m not stupid, just non-conforming!
Don’t get me wrong I have met her type of women before, she is not unique. But I was in denial, I didn’t expect it to happen to me. I was a pioneering woman, I was going to be responsible for change. Initially, doubts started off quietly more like a whisper in the wind. Each clash had a tune playing in the background, ‘Do you see what I see?’ Playing on loop. I tried to suppress it at every opportunity but she just came back louder and more brazen. The more brazen she became the louder the tune got. In the beginning, my FIL would pick up on it, and apologise to me. He would try and make me laugh and feel loved. Which set the tally back to zero. When he passed away there was no more safety net, and no reset.. The tally got out of control.
There were moments—big and small—that forced me to step back and take a breath. Here are five that stand out.
- Pre- wedding – Meeting the family
I grew up with all my extended family. We had no one left in India apart from my mum’s side. We were fairly integrated into my dad’s side of the family. There were loads of us. I work hard to maintain relationships that I enjoy. The rule was simple: if you liked someone, you hung out outside of family events and during. If not, you just stuck to seeing them at family events. No pressure.
My husband’s family had a different setup. They had no extended family in the UK—everyone was in India—so their social circle here was built around family friends. When I was introduced to these friends, they were presented to me as family. There was one family they were particularly close with. They had kids about the same age and they used to live on same street.
I took a liking to the daughter. We swapped numbers and would chat and text all the time. I thought nothing of it. One evening, we talked about meeting up for an Indian shopping trip to buy my Roka outfit. The Roka ceremony is a event in Indian weddings, considered the first pre-wedding ceremony. I asked if we should invite my husband’s sister, and she said she would. I just thought they must keep in contact seperately she could just extend the invitation.
Now, let’s keep in mind—my husband’s sister never made any effort to build a relationship with me. I was expected to invite her to events that either I or my sisters were hosting. There was never an expectation for her to maintain the relationship. The shopping trip got closer, and i was invited to the house for dinner.
When I arrived, his mum was upstairs and called me up. I turned to my husband—he looked blank.
I got there, and his mum was sitting on the bed. She sat me down and started telling me how I had upset her daughter by arranging to meet this family friend without her. What? She went on to say that I shouldn’t be talking to this family friend without her daughter being involved. That they were friends first, and I should respect that.
I was like… huh?
Then she started crying, telling me her daughter wasn’t like me—I had sisters; her daughter had grown up alone. So I was used to being more social. This family friend was her daughters friend first and i should only communicate with her only through my SIL. What?
I walked out of the room completely confused. But my MIL wasn’t done—she took me straight into her daughter’s room (right next door to her own bedroom) and made me apologise to her. I told her i was sorry and went to hug her. I didn’t explain my own version because my MIL made it quite clear where the blame lay (with me).
I got downstairs feeling like I was tripping out, I felt sick. I remember walking down the steps gripping the banister. I made some excuses, and asked my husband to take me home. I relayed the story to him in the car on the way home, he was like, “No, that couldn’t have been it. You must have misunderstood. That sounds ridiculous”.
He asked if he should say something to her. And because I’m a fucking idiot, I said “No, i think it is all sorted out now”.
Turns out my SIL didn’t want to actually go. She just wanted to be invited. My MIL has no idea – this behaviour would not have been tolerated for one second in my family with my sisters. Snitching bitches get stitches. She is no sister of mine.
2. Wedding Shopping
I did my wedding shopping in India with my inlaws and my sister. It was my first trip to India (ever). The first week i shopped with my in-laws, the second week i was in Dehli with just my sister. While shopping with my sister i bought a really expensive pashmina silk sari woven with gold thread. Through the pallau there was green and red thread. I bought it for husbands grandmother, not only did I want her to be beautiful on my wedding day I wanted her to be comfortable. If she did make it to the wedding, she would be spending the whole evening in a wheel chair.
Before we flew home we visited my in-laws family for a goodbye dinner. I pulled out the sari from my bag and gave it to her. I asked if she liked it? She said “yes”. I asked her if she would wear it on my wedding day. Her eyes lit up. Everyone else in the room edged forward – to also receive a gift. The thing is I hadn’t gone out to specifically buy her a sari. However, whilst i was there it had caught my eye and once I touched it I was sold. So I bought it, I didn’t even thing to buy everyone something. See about me not being so good with the Indian schmoozing! It was a bit awkward.
Anyway she loved it, and she promised she would make the journey to the UK. She did wear it to my wedding, and she looked beautiful. There was a moment during the ceremony where caught my eye, she smiled at me, soothed her sari and gave the the thumbs up. Gorgeous.
After the wedding she had it dry-cleaned and presented it to back to me. She told me that she had worn her own sari blouse, the original sari blouse un-sewn. If you know you know, this is a huge gesture. She said, “I want you to have it back and wear it somewhere special”. “When you do think of me”. I was in a bubble of love. I got up to go and put it away, my MIL followed me. When we got to the room she said “You won’t wear that sari. Why don’t you give it to me? “I like it”. I turned to her and said no. To be honest it came out of my mouth like a runaway train, before I had even thought the word had escaped. My love bubble had unexpectedly burst, and I had been caught off guard. I was annoyed. I had bought her four separate outfits already, and her cupboards were at breaking point. What was the need? Let me have 2 minutes. Kinē bhukhē? – kind of translated to how thirsty/hungry?
3. The Wedding Day
I know weddings are stressful events. They are one of the top ten stressful life events. My husband and i organised everything, so me. There was simmering tension from the start, beginning with the Chunni. I had worn a fitted corsetted fishtail brocade silk lengha. It was an outfit that my mum had seen me in and she wanted me in something fitted. I looked fucking banging. Everything about the outfit worked.
My In-laws shows up with a moss green suit. My MIL wants me to fully change into it. It was itchy as fuck and the colour and the fit really did nothing for me. Tight at the arms and loose at the waist and hips.. As I came back into the room changed into my swamp outfit I heard someone say that. It was a shame that I had to get changed – I looked so much better in the lengha. Upon hearing this my MIL turned to me and said, why did you choose that outfit? You knew you would be getting changed? Why did you choose a lengha and not just wear a simple suit? Ummmm sorry?
My Oh fuck moment came on the wedding day, when we cut the cake at the reception. We entered the hall, and cut the cake We asked just parents to come up and join us. My husband and i cut the cake, I took some of the cream and fed my husband and he fed me. The wedding coordinators then came to take the cake table. To get ready ready for the first dance. Now you have to remember the photographer and videographer were on us lighting us up. As well as 300 + people watching us from the sidelines.From the corner of my eye i I saw my MILs face drop, and she said loudly “What about my cake?” Her question was directed at my husband. She held onto the cake table to stop them from moving it.
At the same time she opened her mouth her a chirri (bird). With her hand she gestured to my husband to feed her. We both looked at each other, while everyone looked at us. He fed her.
The act itself was unsurprising based on past behaviour. What surprised me was the number of people she was willing to do this in front of. My mum looked at my dad, and my dad at my mum. Her husband just shuffled from side to side.
During the first dance i thought this might be a problem.
4. After the wedding
Once my husband and i got married there was always the plan to move out. I didn’t have living with my in-laws on my life plan. I had made this very clear to my husband before we got married. I didn’t mind doing it for it bit, my husband said it was important to him (his mum). My MIL and SIL never really made me feel welcome. But for some reason they didn’t want me to leave.
During the time of my wedding there was a flurry of my in-laws family/ friend weddings. All of the daughters were staying with the in-laws. They all planned to move out but I was just vocal about my intentions.
Anyway about 4 months in to married life, we found a house. It happened to coincide with another family/friend wedding. The weekend of the wedding I was ill, I had a flu. I told my husband to tell his parents I would not be able to go to the wedding. But the bandar told them I wasn’t going and nor was he! Implying I was making him stay with me. When he told my MIL, she started to cry and said “What will people say?” and “How will I show my face?”what would people say? This was her reputation, how will she show her face? Fucks sake!
My husband and I got ready and go.
I arrived with sweat patches down my back, my eyes streaming and a hacking cough. As soon as I walked in, people started asking me “Why did you even come?” and “You look awful.” I told them to ask my MIL. I sat right at the back of the room on a table by myself. My father in law came over, he apologised for his wife’s behaviour. I left as soon as I could,. I drove straight to my mums house. As soon as my mum saw me she got me to lie down on the sofa with my head on her lap. She rubbed oil in my hair and i cried quietly.
I realised in this house i didn’t really have any allies. If i went to war it was going to be exhausting.
5. After two Children
I am a full time working mum. Everything i do is for my family – mainly my children. It’s one of the reasons I continuously tried to foster some kind of relationship with my MIL. At this point, I know that she is not my kind of person. Nonetheless, just something superficial and civil would do.
I would try and try to find a common ground with her. There were not many options. The kids was good common ground – we both wanted the best from them. One day we we were just sitting chatting about my kids. There were moments—big and small—that forced me to step back and take a breath. Here are five that stand out. I said, “The kids’ personalities are so different. Sometimes I want a third—I’m just curious to see what their personality would be like.” Quick as a flash she said “You should look after the two you have before you think about having more.” What? Why?
I went quiet. Update I just stay quiet now.
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